Creating...and The Intense Fear that Goes with It

I've always been someone who loves learning and creating things. Whether it's writing, trying new hobbies (like crochet, my current favorite thing), baking, or interior design projects, I just love to make stuff. 

The problem? I am absolutely terrified of sharing what I make. I'm scared of the ridicule, the judgment, the comments that would send my perfectionistic brain alight with panic and shame. And so I keep most of it hidden or play it off like it's not a big deal.  I intentionally highlight all the "flaws" I see in everything I do so it feels like I'm in control of the criticism and hate. 

And for the most part, I've always felt okay with that, in a messed up sort of way. Sure, it wasn't great or anything, but it kept me in my safe little bubble, creating things that nobody would ever see or care about. 

Then we started AllMinds. Keeping everything I make to myself was no longer an option. I was suddenly thrust into reality, where I have no choice but to make videos (which I generally despise), publish my writing, build something new that I have 0 guarantee will pay off in any meaningful way. I've had to push myself to learn new things, like coding websites(!), and hope that my efforts will take these wild ideas we had when we began this business and get people to care. 

The result has been near constant stress and anxiety. Fear that everyone hates what I make, that I seem too stupid to be creating materials for others even when I know the material behind what I am making, and exhaustion when my work doesn't seem to mean anything. These feelings have been weighing me down for a long time now, frustration building because I have the tools to make it better, and yet the feelings remain the same. 

Finally it hit me as I was standing in the shower the other day. Like a sudden release of weight from my whole body that it doesn't matter. And maybe that's been the point all along. That creating isn't for others and those negative opinions shouldn't have the power to dictate whether it's shared with the world. That what I make will find it's way to the people who need it most, where it can be appreciated and utilized the way I was hoping it would be. 

Now I know what you're thinking. I'm a therapist, shouldn't I already know this? (I had that same thought myself). The problem wasn't an intellectual understanding of this knowledge, it was the embodiment of knowing it to be true that was. It has taken the constant struggle between wanting to hide and forcing myself to be seen that finally helped me gain a deeper sense of knowing that my creations are already valuable simply because they were created. 

Creation of any kind is a uniquely human art of vulnerability, of being seen, of expressing the chaos inside and helping it become something beautiful. So I am done hiding behind fear. If we want others to step into vulnerability with us, exploring and creating change in their lives through their work and creations, we have to be willing to do the same. It starts now and exists in every moment moving forward. And I can't wait for ride.